Diary of a CamGirl

and she's back ;)

2011-08-07T06:10:00.001-07:00

I’m going to college! I’ve got a freelance writing job! He told me he cares about me! I’m still a CamGirl…!

Two more weeks, and I leave this place, I’m so excited. College! It’s a new life. It’s a new home.

Since my Fight with my mom, I don’t feel I belong here. She told me she sacrificed her life for me, that she ruined it because of me. As if I ever asked her to give me birth.

I need to build a life, I need to have a home…

The downside is that I don’t have the money to buy a laptop and take it to the campus, so I’ll have to give up my camgirl job for a while. I’ll miss it! It’s addictive, really. I never thought I’ll end up loving it. But it’s fun, and I feel sexy, and I make money! It’s like going to a wild party and being paid for that. I feel like a star, an actress, and my bedroom is my stage.

And, also, I’ll miss him…

he will never ever, never ever love you... :)

2011-03-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

2011-03-27T10:49:00.001-07:00

2011-03-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so true! I’ve been hurt so many times, sometimes I was mad, sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I revenged, sometimes I preferred to forget, but each of these experiences was a step, that led me to now. Sometimes it scares me how selfish I became, and I know it’s wrong, and I can see that my indifference hurts the people I love, but that’s me, today. I’m not a good girl or a bad girl, I’m just a girl dealing with life. I care about people, I should care! But all this care is kind of material, reduced to the things and actions I can take for the well being of these ppl. Indeed my feelings towards them are so cold, and I hurt them so many times with my words, and I don’t even feel guilty for that. On the other hand, maybe I’m doing them a favor, the world is not a sweet and friendly place to live in, it’s a jungle, and the strongest survives. I don’t feel guilty when I put people down, why should I? I’ve been hurt too, I’ve been let down, I’ve been backstabbed, I had to deal with bullies and jerks, I was insulted a lot of times. I wasn’t born a sarcastic bitch! I had to feel all the dirt of the world too. That’s the way it is. I hurt you, you hurt someone else, another one hurts me…Recently I’ve started to have these thoughts that it’s not ppl who hurt us; it’s us who hurt ourselves. When someone does you wrong, you either let yourself feel crushed, or you say Fuck It and you stand up. Either way it’s your choice. I used to fall down a lot, now I just say Fuck It do everything, and everyone.

2011-03-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight...

2011-03-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

I feel so far from where I’ve been. I’m loosing you, the whole of you, I’m losing the memories, it’s like you never were… and I can’t live with this emptiness. You’re gone! It’s a reality I have to accept, and I do, but I’m missing something I can’t even remember, I’m missing me…It’s never going to be the same, and I can’t believe I have to live with this all my life, with this piece of me broken, taken away. I’m so helpless! My hands are tied up and all I can do is watching my life crushing, how can I accept it? You’re my weakness… I love you so much! I could do anything for you, give it all away! I hoped so much that you’ll see it in my eyes; I hoped so much that you’ll come back! But you never did, and you’ll never do, I know it, I can’t lie to me anymore, you’ll never come back! You’re gone! I’m gone!

2011-03-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

I did love him! Maybe I still do, but I prefer not to think about it, I don’t want to be vulnerable, because he’s not here to pick me up if I fall. He made my life so crazy, so colorful and intense, magical! I was happy, truly happy, even when in pain. Now I’m not suffering, but I’ve lost all the innocence, and my life is a blur, and my heart is frozen. I remember the moment he told me he’s leaving, I felt like my world was falling apart, but I just looked at him, and I did not say a word… and he left, and I lost my chance forever. Sometimes I feel like he hurts me now and then … so that he would make me stronger. I want to believe that he’s got a plan. But it might be that one day he’ll come and it will be too late, and I’ll be gone, lost in the emptiness and coldness of my life.

2011-03-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

I love cloths! The more I am without them on camera; the more I like to wear them in the offlineworld. It’s funny that, since I’ve started to work as a camgirl, I’m dressing much more decent than before, and I’m really being a good girl in real life. I don’t need to prove anyone, anymore that I’m hot&sexy, I know that already! This morning, on my way to school, I was looking at the outfits of girls. I was thinking that maybe the ones with really slutty appearance might actually be virgins, wanting to hide their innocence. And who knows maybe the goody nerdy one, is a successful porn model =))))).
In porn, the more cloths you have on, the more money you get. The client knows that he’ll get you naked, but he likes the feeling of mystery. Sluts are cheap, designed for narrow minded. Ppl with money have brains, ppl with brains don’t want cheap… ;)

2011-03-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

2011-03-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

I had so much fun this morning. One of my special clients (A) came into my chat room. He is actually my favorite client cuz he pays me more than anyone hahaha. He’s got some fantasies about being caught while having sex, so the first time in private he asked me to open my window and scream loudly while masturbating. He hoped my neighbors would hear and would come to see what was the matter….OOOOpppS…. I did open my window, but I did not scream lodely, sure! I told him that my microphone was broken so he could not perceive the volume of my voice, actually the absence of a volume =)))))) Ok, so A came today again, told me I’m the sexiest girl out there, told me he’s getting a card with $$$$$$ and that he’ll spend them all on me. THEN… another guy came (B) and started to chat with me. That’s when A said /You’re my girl ONLY/ and I said /YeSSS I’m your horny girl/. And B said /Do you even know how he looks like, maybe he’s an old fat looser, like he’s name sais…/ and then they started to fight there, and I was in the middle of it all. They both asked me to go and live with them! I’m so much loving it ahahaha!

2011-03-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

I want to go to New York! I’m so in love with this city. It’s my first and eternal love. And I will get there, no matter what the price. I gave up on too many dreams already, and I’m too lonely, and I have too few to loose, it’s my only life after all, I can’t give up on this. Since I was a child I planed on majoring in journalism and then becoming a reporter for NY Times. I saw myself living in a penthouse, in the very center of this city. I imagined the crowds, the traffic, the city lights, and it all belonged too me. I get this fuzzy feeling in my stomach whenever I think about it, the same feeling when you are about to go on a date with the man of your dreams. I belong to this city, and it belongs too me. I can’t give up. Maybe I’ll never become a reporter in NY, but I can buy a one way ticket and just go, and see what happens :)

2011-03-19T12:52:00.001-07:00

My parents had a “deep” conversation with me today about finances. They told me that I’ll probably have to work while being in college the next year, and that maybe I’ll have to give up on studying for a period and get a job. They told me I’m not a child anymore and I have to shake my butt, which in my language is an expression, and it means to be full of energy and strive through life. Isn’t that funny??? I was thinking in that moment: “Oh, but I do shake my butt, and not only my butt.”

Maybe I’ll tell them that I’m working on some blog, and that I get money from it. I do want them to know that I’m actually working, and I’m actually striving through life. I really hope I can make some living from this. I’ve signed recently on one more webcam modeling site, and I’m liking it so far.

Oh, and I’m sorry if you came across this blog and you didn’t find the naughty fantasies that you’ve expected. I’m not writing it for you, I’m doing it for me, and it’s MY diary. Maybe you’ll get across my other diary on a porn site, where there is just… ummm porn? But this is the real me, a normal girl, with some “un-normal” experiences ;)

2011-03-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Balancing on one wounded wing, circling the edge of the never ending, the best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door...More than begin, but less than forget...

2011-03-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

I do believe in GOD, but that’s a secret. I try to look like a material girl, to act as if I control my own destiny. I try to be skeptic and cynical, rational, but in the depth of my heart, I do believe I came in this world to learn something very valuable. I do believe in love, I do believe that this is the foundation of everything, material and spiritual. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that with every chance I take I’m actually growing. Maybe you don’t think that GOD sent me here to become a whore, but maybe this is just a path, a little, uncomfortable path, which will lead me to a valley of joy and love. I think I’m too dreamy right now, but I need to keep something pure in my heart, I need to believe… I need to hope.

i'm so much into this song right now.... you're on the "right" road girl! ;)

2011-03-19T02:31:00.000-07:00

yeah! right!!!!!!!!=)))))))))))

2011-03-19T02:19:00.000-07:00

"Ladies, you need to understand that as long as you got a vagina, you run the entire motherfucking Universe. Thats the way it is. You need to understand that. Ladies, I'm telling you...you gotta be the shit to you. Stop waitin on a nigga to verify whether you the shit or not. Bitch, if you the shit; you the motherfucking shit."

-Katt Williams

:)

2011-03-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

just a little more time was all we needed...

2011-03-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

2011-03-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have all the kind of shows. I dance naked, I masturbate in front of the camera, I have role-play. But it doesn’t feel humiliating, because it’s not me, I’m just acting, I’m an actor in front of a camera. Instead I feel cold... I try so much not to take it personal, that I forgot how to feel generally. I feel nothing, and this makes me so lonely. This morning I recalled Him... I realized, he’s the person who got the closest to my heart. I never felt so open before or after. He just seamed to see through me, to read me from the inside out. I’m happy I met him, otherwise my life would be a frozen kingdom. I can’t believe I lost him! I know I’ll never be able to love someone like that, I know I’ll never be able to love. My heart has closed forever and I’m not letting people inside anymore. People, events, words don’t penetrate my skin anymore, they can’t get to my heat. Everything is just on the surface, processed through my brain, no feelings, no pain, no love…

2011-03-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I somehow like it. I feel like I’m pushing my limits, and I discover so much of me. Today there was this guy; we had so much fun together, although I acted it all along. People really have dirty minds; I wander if what they tell me are realities or just fantasies. I really doubt that these things really happen, I mean, I know I’m lying, but that’s my job. I’m not there to be a decent girl; I receive money to become a dream, even an inappropriate one. But even though the entire situation makes me a bit naughty, I can’t feel pleasure, it’s all a theatre. Today that guy asked me to cum for him, and I faked it, and the funny thing is that I was repeating my speech for history class in that moment, hahahahaha

2011-03-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

2011-03-14T09:16:00.001-07:00

I’m so stupid! Really!!!!!!!! I’m the stupidest person I’ve ever met. So, today there was this guy from Korea, and he asked me to give him my id. I explained him that I can’t, and that he better find me there… but he insisted, and he was kind of nice, although boring, I had to always initiate the discussion. So, he insisted, and I gave it to him, f**ck it! I really don’t want to mix my real life with this. I mean my life has been so messed up lately; I don’t want to make everything even more complicated. I can’t give my contact details to every person who begs me for it. People see a beautiful girl on that camera, which seams to be happy and careless, talkative and fun, and they think everything is so simple in real life. But no, I’m not that careless, not at all, I’m rather calculated. I’ve just learned to fake a genuine smile and to control my temper, but sometimes in the backstage of that smile stays “eF you, perverse looser”. Ok, sooo, we talked a little, and then he asked me The Question that I hoped he would not: “why do you do that?”

I used to really depend on someone. I used to think that he’ll save me and that he’ll make me happy. But he always left when I most needed. We are all alone in the end…

2011-03-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

2011-03-12T23:42:00.003-08:00

Soooo… I’m working as a CamGirl now, actually its called webcam model, and its porn industry. I do it for money, surely! I was tired of the never-ending quarrels between my parents because of money. I was tired to listen to the endless discourses of my father about how broke we are whenever I asked to buy something. I was tired to hear the allusions of my mother about how much of a lost person I am. I’m going to take care of myself, and this is a brilliant opportunity to save enough money to invest in my future. My parents don’t know about this, my friends don’t know either, matter of fact I’ve blocked all the people from my country from viewing me. I don’t want this to hunt me and compromise my career life. One day, when I’ll have enough money to buy an apartment, a car, when I’ll save enough money to support me for a while, I’ll give up on it and I’ll get a “decent” job. I plan on majoring in Business and Management btw, and I’ll do great, I’m sure of that. Not that I think that being a webcam girl is an indecent thing. Some say it’s same as prostitution. But c’mon people, grow up, prostitution is dangerous, you can be molested, raped, you can get various illnesses, and it’s illegal in most of the places. Being a webcam model is totally safe, and if you feel comfortable with it then bravo, go for it. I just realize that I can't make it a permanent job, I know that looks fade, and I don’t want one day to tell my grandchildren that I’m working as a CamGirl. But until I have the possibility and the energy, then I’ll use this unique chance.This job set me so free, i feel secure, and i feel like a can control my destiny.